There’s an axiom that we have noticed from comments, emails and observations that seems to indicate that most all cheaters “affair down.”

In general, this means that the person someone cheats with tends not to be as attractive, interesting, engaging, etc. as the primary partner who is being cheated on.

“I have never seen a situation where I felt an individual “affaired up”- meaning that they end up with a better person. It may seem like a better decision at the time, but it will prove it to be a step down.”

If nothing else, it will be a step down in terms of maturity, character, integrity, intelligence, loyalty, spirituality, sincerity, etc.

Discussion – Why Do Cheaters Affair Down?

The reasons for why a person “affairs down” are potentially limitless, but the one noticed most often seems to be that the affair partner made the cheater feel good while stroking his/her ego so much that it didn’t matter what he/she looked like or how his/her character was.

Basically, the wayward spouse is needy and looking for someone to boost his/her ego and winds up looking for someone beneath him/her.

Even if the affair partner’s appearance is attractive, it’s just a wrapping for something that is no match for his/her spouse.

What effect does this “affaring down” have on your view of your spouse’s (or your) affair and his/her (your) mindset at the time?

The website, The Hero’s Spouse has an interesting article on why a person might “affair down.” Though this is written in the context of a person experiencing a mid-life crisis, we thought it could possibly offer some further insight.

161 replies to „Discussion – Why Do Cheaters Affair Down?”

My H ‘affaired down’ in key ways that also showed he wasn’t seeing her for what she really was. He claimed, at the time, that he never saw his friends and that we had no fun, that I didn’t have any friends or close family. The OW was someone who skipped from job to job, had no contact with her family and had no close friends at all. If their affair had progressed to something more permanent then also, how was he going to improve seeing his friends and family when having to move to the states? His parents would also have rejected her for quite some time as they are religious and the affair would definitely be laid squarely at her feet not his. My H also had never liked women who wore tons of make-up and perfume, yet the OW’s main interest in life is make-up and perfume. It was ego stroking. nothing more. She worked hard making him feel like a stud. I think my H went for this type of woman simply because she was available and she looked like the porn stars he was currently obsessed with at that Kiss Brides com time too. she looked slutty and at that time he was very interested in that. she played to those needs and so it was easy for her to appear like the perfect alternative to the drudgery of marriage. He also chose someone who is into horoscopes, something he hates, and loves celebrity culture, something he hates even more.

the effect this had on me was to reconsider who my H was. for a while I thought that he’d been lying to me for 17 years and really preferred tarty women who dressed, smelled and acted like whores. this made me feel like I’d been some sort of poor second choice for our entire marriage. now I see it as an interest in something ‘naughty’ because he was doing something he hated himself for, which was using porn as a way of distracting him from how bad he felt about himself. it isn’t someone he wants to be anymore and I can see everyday that he works hard to make me feel better about myself in normal ways (like giving me a hug, holding me around my waist when we’re out) – which I love.